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Friday, September 28, 2012

You Know You're a Parent When...(#11)


What, Papa?
When you’re raising three boys under the age of six, time flyeth before ye knoweth. Wow… Here’s the eleventh installment of my monthly “You Know You’re A Parent When…” series.

You can find the most recent here and here – and I promise everything happened, and it’s all based on my daily life as a happily married stay-at-home Dad J

Quick! Grab on, here we go....You know you’re a parent when…

·         You decide to write a 15-part weekly series on how training for a marathon can be like writing a book. Great idea, but where exactly is this extra writing time coming from – your arse?

·         You master the power of patience. This Zen-level of awareness was recently achieved when No. 1 Son said he, “peed on the toilet.”

“No, Son,” said you, the Dad/Writer, putting a pen behind your ear in a mad-professorial way, “It’s not on the toilet, it’s in the toilet.”

“Nuh uh, I pee-peed on the toilet, Papa.”

You smile at the child, [still] enjoying this teaching moment.

“Think about it, Son. You pee inside the toilet because the lid is up and the pee-pee goes inside,” you say, crouching down like (old) sitting tiger, “the only way you could pee on the toilet is when both lids are down.”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Papa. I peed on the toilet!”


·         The kids are sleeping.

The laundry is piling

The Elmo sheets are a-foldin’

(And it’s all good, ‘cos)

The ‘80s are a-rockin’


Cover of Dark Tower: The Gunslinger by Jae Lee.
·         You finish changing the baby and bound downstairs with a spare diaper in your side pocket.
As you traverse the dangerous Pocoyo and Lego-strewn “walkway” to the kitchen, you realize that while you may never be Roland the Gunslinger, you can, by gosh, claim rights to Papa the Kidslinger as No. 3 Son moves from hip to hip or side to side with nary a cry or squeal.

·         You [nearly] poop your pants while at the weekly Moms (and Dad) morning playroom event at the community center.

Scanning the room to verify presence of all three sons, No. 2 Son (who is two-and-a-half) is nary to be found.

It’s a *large* open room, so he can’t be hiding, so where is he?

Putting the smartphone down… (oh yeah, you feel smart now checking your blog… smart as a wet paper bag) you stand up as the Papa Kidslinger instincts fire up.

Slowly, you scan the room again… he’s wearing solid red… there’s about thirty kids, twenty parents… take your time…

Oh gosh, (I may have said a stronger word…) where is he?

No. 1 Son is painting, No. 3 is sleeping…

OK… move toward the front door…. Scanning, turning… out into the lobby…

There is a meeting going on…open door… you barge right in there… “sorry, looking for my son…”

He’s not there.

You look at the door to THE OUTSIDE and there is no way

(is there??)

that he could have gotten OUTSIDE…

You turn around, back into the main, open area… walking slowly… dry mouth…

Real panic starts to bubbliciously announce its arrival when one of the moms opposite where you sat waves.

“He’s over here – in the little (dollhouse-style play) tent.”

He was not on the tent, he was in the tent… the flat-on-the-ground tent where he had crawled into (less than twenty feet from me) to play with some plastic dinosaurs.

(Thank you, Lord.)

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“No problem. I noticed him crawling in the tent, and when I saw the look on your face, I put two and two together.”

I lifted the flat opening of the flat tent…

“Son, what... where, what are you doing in there?”

“Dinosayers! In the tunnel, rook Papa. Rook at my dinosayers. In the tunnel!


Moral of the story: We ain’t buyin’ no stinkin’ dollhouse tents in this house J

Papa? Where's my tent, Papa?



Shell Flower said...

You are hilarious. Hang in there, Kidslinger.

Ciara said...

We are connected some how, because this is so my life. 80's Tunes make everything better. Yes, I have three boys, so I totally got the toilet story. Have they tried to shoot the bugs in the woods yet?

Dani said...

I can't kidsling anymore. My two yr old is way too heavy. She may look small but she's solid! So we piggyback wherever we go. And the best place to stash my her diapers... bra. Where else?!

Elise Fallson said...

"Kidslinger" too funny! But man, I hate that cold rush of panic that sweeps over when something happens (or you think that something may have happened)to the kids. I think getting a tent would be ok, it's the dinosaurs I worry about... :P

Elizabeth Seckman said...

I miss kidslinger, dino-sawer days. They do still occasionally pee 'on' the toilet.

joeh said...

Sometimes when my son and dil trust me to watch their 2 boys I lose one of them.

I hate when that happens.

When I find him he is sworn to secrecy to not tell on grandpa Joe.

Can toddlers keep a secret?

David P. King said...

Oh, man. I've missed these. Hilarious and completely true, dude. :)

Unknown said...

I never pictured you with Roland's disposition, but maybe if I squint ... :-)

Tamara said...

haha...LOVE this. And, it's always nice to meet a fellow gunslinger fan. My son is sixteen and has pics from the Gunslinger graphic novels all over his walls. He was introduced to Roland by me of course. :)

And isn't it awful when they disappear? Last night I was out with my two year old grandson (I'm only 43, so whenever I tell someone online i have a grandson I feel like they're going to be picturing me with grey hair, granny glasses and some knitting needles) I HAVE NONE OF THESE THINGS. Well. Okay. Maybe a grey hair or two, but they are nicely covered up with hair dye. ;)

Anyway, my little grandson Jace tried to bolt for the door in the two seconds I took my eyes off him to pay for his cookies. I caught him before he made it outside, but it was still scary to look down and not see him standing where he'd been ONE second before. He ran as fast as his little fat legs would carry him the second I had my attention on something else.

He's a handful and a half. I don't remember my kids being as tough as him and I raised four. Maybe I AM getting old. haha

Suzanne Furness said...

Aww such cute stories and ones ANY of us parents can surely relate to. Have a fun weekend with the kids.

Brinda said...

"I may have said a stronger word.." LOL. You are the Kidslinger. No doubt.

M Pax said...

So glad your panic turned out to be unfounded. That's just an awful feeling.

Carrie Butler said...

Hah! Thanks for the laugh, Mark. :)

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Hi, Mark!

I totally saw that *on the toilet* coming -- and I have GIRLS!! I cannot describe in public what my first child did in a McDonald's play ball pit. But I will always feel as if I owe a debt to society because of it.

And thank heavens for the mom who put two and two together and located your son. (I totally would've been checking my blog on my phone too.)

Hang in there and enjoy. Before you know it, you'll have a 15 year old who nearly causes you to drive off the road asking, "Mom, is pre-marital sex frowned on by society?"

Samantha May said...

Oh now THAT'S funny!

I am definitely not a parent. I have many many years to go! So for now, I'll just laugh at your stories until they become MY stories :P

Sheena-kay Graham said...

Oh so hilarious! Yet my inside voice is whispering, no kids anytime soon to me. Yeah, I'll wait. But I love the post and kids are great and messy at the same time.

Lea said...

You made me laugh! :)

Melissa said...

Kidslinger - LOL

This is for you. :)

Nicole said...

One day they'll write the ballad of the Kidslinger. It's gonna be epic! :)

Annalisa Crawford said...

My eldest went missing in a supermarket when he was about 2 - and I can totally recall that panicked feeling. Suddenly, when I'd almost passed out in fear, he jumped out of a rack of clothes and shouted "Boo!"

cleemckenzie said...

Oy! Here's to Papa Kidslinger. May he survive and thrive, but I think there's no doubt that he will do both.

Lauren said...

Cute! Many (oh, so many!) years ago my mother called the police because my sister was missing. We found her sleeping on one of the dining room chairs, all curled up under the table.

Ciara said...

I truly meant they aim and shoot the bugs with their pee. No joke. Just when I thought little boys couldn't shock me anymore.

nutschell said...

haha! KIdslinger indeed. on a side note. I totally loved Stephen King's Dark Tower series.


Morgan said...

Oh my gosh! Worst. Feeling. EVER...


Panic. I HATE that feeling. I'm SO glad you found him!


And the other stuff? CRACKING UP... You, are so funny ;)

michelle said...

You seem to be having fun and taking it in your stride... and the upside? There's never a dull moment!!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

What a super post! Too funny.

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