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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

IWSG - The Auntology Edition


Today is IWSG… and also the deadline to submit for there new auntology!
This month's awesome IWSG co-hosts are: Kristin Smith, Elsie, Suzanne Furness and Fundy Blue. Thanks, y'ell. 

Oh, and by the wee, my name is Mark.
 I’ll be your swerver tonight. I hope you enjoy.
If there’s anything else I can do, let me know.
My entrée below for the auntology is entitled: What not to do marketing wise.

Today, I’m here to speak about my success in marketing. My thanks to Warden Hashtag, who first suggested I share some valuable tips—for a few laughs. Warden, #ThisOneIsForYou.

Initially, I'd like to bandy about, nay discus, and throw over some general ideas about your Novel.
For brevity, I’ll assume the position (cough) that you’re not writing Non-Friction.
Thus, the burning issue is for all intense and porpoises caused by Friction -- and what it means in this hot and cold world of readers.

Let's began! 
·         As a young, or established otter, you always want readers to come back for more. Easiest way to achieve this goal? Leave the book unfinished!

Think of a fancy novel cuisine restaurant. Their plates are big, portions are small, butt customers always leave hungry for more.

However, even if your wok isn’t finished, don't forget it should always be critiqued by other writers and “beater readers”
(Many are online. Mine live locally and always beat the crap out of me—for wasting their time, hence the name.)

·         One of my favorite marketing tips is the actuary storyline itself.

Some consider storyline to be added baggage that takes away from the look of the book, so I ask u: Is storyline really that important?

A few will say yes; but to me, it’s a mute point. I’ve found it’s more important to carry a large book under one’s arms than actually use a book for something so pedantic as reading.

(With Candy Crush, Angry Birds, free online slots and other intellectually stimulating movements available on the Spindle, who has the extra time?)

·         Squeaking about the look of the Book, covers are very important.

It’s important (did you notice how I entertwined two “importants” in just two sentences? This itself is an important tip. Good writers know now that the knowledge they learn now—and tomorrow, too—is important. I know. Do you know? You know now, don’t you! Ha, let’s continue, shell we.)

Ah yes, Book covers. The best ones are those heavy duty plastic types found in many good prison (and pubic) librarys.

You know, the transcendental ones that are so thick it’s hard to even read the title. Your bookshelf will have a uniform look that will make the hardest nail of a guard crack a smile, instead of a lemur.

·         Make sure you have a good editor.

They’re great resorts for when you write peaces like this one, only I created this myself this time.
            (Don’t worry, I’m a trained professional writing on a closed ciruit.)

Heaving an editor is important not only for the counting of words, but for the grammer and puckutuation, too.

·         And finally, pricing. I see a lot of books priced at various pricing.
Which is great and all, but to me, a good book is worth nothing less than $20.
It’s a clean, neat fissure and there’s no need to buy one of those little “give a penny, take a penny” plastic holders.

·         PS… The photo on the back of the book, and the author bio are useful for deflecting negative criticism, when the usual one of two people not understand the greatness of what they carry under their arms.

I suggest pulling random pictures on Instirgram (a man’s picture for a guy writer makes it easier) and bio information can be cut and plastered from Myspace.
(No one’e ever on there anymore.)

·         And finally, whatever you do, don’t wear a coconut bra and grass skirt… unless you can pull this fashion move off. 



Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Mark - well you've brought all the good points up and when we are guided by your brilliant self - we'll find that you live over another pond and that probably is a good thing - unless we desire a coconut clad lad?!

Great fun post .. cheers Hilary

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I laughed even harder the second time! Thanks for contributing this masterpiece to the book.
I think...

Suzi said...

You are a genius.

Can I hire you to edit my unfinished, 200K picture book?

Jo said...

Mark, you are a total and utter nut or do I mean coconut. Great reading hard work figuring out just hwat yu meant.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Half of me knows you did this on purpose, and half of me is so confused. lolol

LD Masterson said...

This was verry impurtant stuff. Tank you.

And you can definitely pull off the look.

Chrys Fey said...

Ha! I loved this!!

Lisa said...

OMG you never stop!!! At least we know the auntology will be a fun read! The interesting thing about this post is, because of the way you wrote it, I had to pay a LOT more attention to what you were/weren't saying! What a great idea! Dude, I'm so proud of you posting the photo, again, for the whole world to see!!!!

Lisa said...

Oh and I so love Hilary's description of you, a coconut clad lad!

Elephant's Child said...

It was an important thing for me to do, to read your important words. Now to absorb them. Or at least the calorie free ones.

Mark Means said...

Some solid points and great advice.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go pour bleach in my eyes... :P

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

You out did yourself this time, Mark. The book should have a special section for your advice and with that picture included, of course.

Mark Koopmans said...

I agree!! I think that's a classic one :-)

Mark Koopmans said...

Hilary, you are hilarious and you may have given me a new nickname now :-)

Michael Di Gesu said...


Man you've got a PAIR...EHEM...of COCONUTS of course!

Thanks for the laughs, Mark! I really needed it today!

S.P. Bowers said...

I'm not addicted to Candy Crush. I can stop anytime. And maybe I just don't want to read anymore, or have you considered that I've already read everything? Yeah, I have, so it's okay to play Candy Crush.

Morgan said...


Okay, this post was funny enough on its own, but after your tweet, I'm laughing even more now. Soooooo awesome.

Marko, you are the wittiest. And that picture. I seriously want to meet Gen soooooo bad and give her the biggest hug. Ha.

Al Diaz said...

Boy I think you should have a show. The Coconut Writer Show. You have given me some good ideas to total success, I am sure. I might come with an offer you can't refuse.

dolorah said...

Just what the book needs; a guy in a coconut bra and grass skirt. I want a whole album :)

Robin said...

I am still sick. I think the cure might be at your house. So, give me whatever you're having!

Love the pic:P

Anonymous said...

Oh my God dude, I can't with you! I nearly snorted Pepsi onto my laptop. Hysterical. We have to get this anthology into print version. I would buy so many copies just to give them away so they could see the kind of writer friends I have!!! :D

Outstanding. I was killing time trying to get tired so I could sleep since it's almost four AM, but since you had me bust out laughing, I don't know if that'll be possible for a while. LOL. Nitey Nite, coconut man. Hugs.

Melissa said...

I'm sure lots of writers would love to heave their editor. LOL

~Sia McKye~ said...

Ah, I finally got to see the famous coconut bra. Yes sir, I cracked up. My question is was your wife the photographer? She would be used to your shenanigans and be able to keep the camera steady and then laugh her head off.

Sia McKye Over Coffee

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