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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Me, Mother's Day & Victoria's Secret (Part THREE)


This daily series of my Mother's Day gift-buying adventure to Victoria's Secret ends tomorrow.
Part One is here.
Part Two is here.

Releasing the car seat (with baby) I placed both next to the hood – where I now remember was where I’d left the Mother’s Day card… That was the “litter” blowing off the windscreen earlier...

Never mind the card, don’t forget the baby.
Oh, yeah…

With No. 1 Son locked in stroller, I grabbed the baby harness my wife wears with ease.
Licensed by a car company, it was a bloody straitjacket… I couldn’t figure what was up or down – even when I held the logo out in front like a hood ornament.
I tried one hand here, unsnapping this and grabbing that… but whatever, dude… that thing wouldn’t hold air, let alone No. 3 Son.

Wiping sweat off my brow, I threw the harness back and said to heck with it.
I’ll carry baby, roll the stroller and No. 2 Son will follow my sharply given commands.
Doors locked.
Off we go.

 Ten steps later… after weaving stroller somewhat toward the elevator, I called halt, which three of us did (considering I was holding one and pushing the other.)
No. 2 Son however... he kept on trucking like he was freeeee.

“Catck me, Papa. Papa. Catck me…”
Stroller wheels locked, baby bouncing, I catch up with the Runaway Son as he turns for level seven...
Bloody Nora, this ain’t gonna work.

Change permutations.
Baby in stroller – pull straps TIGHT.
(Remember to scootch him back to center as needed.)

Hold No. 2 Son in manly arms; hunker down for serious eye contact moment with No. 1 Son, (who looks at me in awe for arranging such a great adventure.)

“OK, you’re walking to the store without any shoe–”
“Watch for glass or rocks. If the ground is too hot, let me know.”

He gets my most serious glare.
“And, whatever happens, don’t. Tell. Your. Mother!”
“But, Papa…?”
“Yes, son.”
“Mama will find out when she reads this…”
“She already knows… plus you didn’t really say the last few lines – I’m using ‘artistic license.’”

Stopping by the elevator, I lower No. 2 Son, and catching my breath, I relax.
Nothing could go wrong…

Source: photobucket.com/SheratonCharlotte
“Ok, guys c’mon, c’mon,” I said nodding thanks to the man already inside as he threw an arm to hold the door.

I looked to my right as No. 1 Son pressed NINE and TEN.

“No, no. ‘G’, we need ‘G.”

I turned to see what No. 2 was doing as our unlucky companion pressed into a corner.
OK, good. This elevator has only one bank of buttons. Nothing for No. 2 to press…

Except the emergency call button…

Too late…
“Light. Papa. Light. On.”

Ring… Ring…
“Hello, Emergency Services. Is there an emergency,” said A Stern Voice from the speaker, set about eighteen inches off the ground.

Who puts the emergency thingy on the other side of the buttons???

I’m six-two, so my arse stuck up in the air as I shushed No. 2 Son and talked to Stern Voice.

“No, sorry, it was my son; he pressed the button by mistake…”

“Hello? Can you hear me? IS there an emergency?”

I bent lower – arse goes higher – thinking it wouldn’t surprise me if the guy in the corner jumps on five and walks…

“No emergency, my son pressed the button,” I said – throwing my sweet, button-pressing son under the bus – again.
Great job, Papa…

OK, fine. Be like that.

Arriving at “G”, our new friend bolts.
I threw him a “sorry” as I regrouped the troops.

My thirty minutes was dwindling, but there was still hope.

“Ready, Son?”

“Ready, Papa!”

I moved No. 2 son to the lesser of my two burning arms, unlocked the stroller and we lumbered off into the heart of Honolulu.

Next stop: Victoria’s Secret.


The Finale posts tomorrow, Thursday…


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm sure at that point Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator was the furthest thing from your mind...

JennaQuentin said...

Hilarious! I totally sympathize. I've been putting the baby in a wrap scarf (which I do wear with ease - woman thing ;) and putting kiddo in the stroller. I was thinking about reversing it, but based on your experience...having a third one sounds like it makes the juggling a bit more fun too! My husband doesn't have to worry about this, 'cause he doesn't "believe" in mother's day...yet. Can't wait to hear what awaited you at VS!

Anne Gallagher said...

Gotta love that emergency call button right where little fingers can reach it.

baygirl32 said...

can't wait to see what happens when you get into the store!

Elizabeth Seckman said...

LOL...wondering how it can go any more astray...can't wait to finish the rest!

M.J. Fifield said...

I'm with baygirl. I can't wait to find out what happens when you actually get to Victoria's Secret.

Those baby harnesses are terrible when they get tangled. My sister's was mangled during a trip through airport security. It took us a long time to get it back to functional.

Morgan said...

Oh my gosh... *WHY* did I read this???? I should've just waited until tomorrow!!!!!! Gaaaaaah...

"Artistic license" <---Still Laughing

And I KNEW that litter had to have been yours! LOL!

Johanna Garth said...

I can't tell you how many times I've had that same conversation with the emergency operator after an inadvertent push.

Maurice Mitchell said...

"Artistic license" LOL

~Sia McKye~ said...

lol! I'm thinking just get a leash and a harness. Hey, my brother swore by them. I only had one kid and he was either on my back or in a stroller.

Sorry to be laughing so hard at your expense but...dammit I can so see it all.

Now, I'm curious to see who puts the bras on their heads, and panties around their chest and how many neat piles of stuff ended up on the floor...Then there are the dressing rooms to explore...oh my

Just the thought of all that has me rolling on the floor, Mark.

Yah, I'm evil.


Rek Sesh said...

Oh you poor man, multi tasking is seriously a woman's area of expertise.
The boys are going to be on a rampage in the store, aren't they?

Nicole said...

Off to read the finale - this is hilarious!

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