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Monday, May 14, 2012

Me, Mother's Day & Victoria's Secret (Part ONE)


I don’t normally post on Monday – but I am traumatized J because of what happened this past Friday.

 (When I finished relating what happened to my wife, Gen, she said that was her present for Mother’s Day!)

I had so much fun writing about this event that I couldn’t fit the whole story in five hundred words.
This is PART ONE of a daily series that will end this Friday - at the latest J)


Gen, and I were talking last week, and I mentioned if she wanted anything for Mother’s Day?

“Well, I don’t want flowers, jewelry or stuffed animals, but oh! I would like some new undies.”

I was already thinking Ross or Wal-Mart when an icicle of fear pierced my heart as she smiled and said where she wanted me to go.

“Victoria’s Secret.”

Beads of sweat popped out of my manly brow as my writer’s mind offered an instant vision:

Me and the three kids working our way past a row of colorful bras and other sexy lingerie things… then the stroller hits a display holding a mannequin-ette… which topples over… as I instinctively raise my hands, I find myself cupping a lace-covered, voluptuously made plastic bosom… just as an elderly woman walks by. She shakes her head, tsk tsks me and suggests we should rent a hotel room…

Shaking off this nightmare scenario, I turn to my wife with a hopeful look.

“Hang on, my love. How about I buy you one of those pajama combo things… the hoodie, footie things on TV, you know the ones that end in “ie?”

Source: photobucket.com/vswholesale
“It’s a Snuggie and, no, I just need a few pairs of undies from Victoria’s Secret – but while you’re there you can buy something for yourself, too.”

Oh, la, la.

Now we’re talking. (I love Mother’s DayJ)

OK. I have five business days to arrange for my not-so-secret visit to Victoria’s Secret (VS.)

I'm a guy. I got this.

The first thing I do, (‘cos I’m as sharp as a stick) is to have Gen tell me what type of panties she wants – and as she does…I Write. It. Down.

With that precious info in hand, I now wait until Friday morning to prepare for the rest of the mission. VS is an awesome national brand, so there’s got to be a few around Oahu.


There’s only one – at least according to my manly GPS.

And it’s in downtown Waikiki.
Which meant, I imagined, horrible traffic, garage parking and me having to decipher a "directory" to help find my way around a huge, sprawling mall for this secret lingerie store.

OK, OK, no worries.

As long as I leave by 9:30 a.m. I can make it there in about twenty minutes, find parking; walk to the store; peruse the panties; purchase the panties; return to minivan and drive home by 11:30 a.m., which is when Gen comes home to feed our infant boy.

For anyone new, I’m a stay-at-home Dad to three boys (aged four, two and four months old.) I write a monthly series on parenting called “You Know You’re A Parent When...”

OK, so if we’re going downtown, that means we’re going on a TRIP.

And a TRIP means, in no particular order that the following must be onboard the minivan:

Three Children.

Two Drinks.

One Snack Bag.

Other miscellaneous equipment needed for the TRIP include:

Diaper bag.


Car seat.


For some reason… (YOU’RE GOING TO A LINGERIE STORE WITHOUT A FEMALE TO GUIDE YOU!!!)… I’m flustered, and instead of leaving at 9:30 a.m. it’s more like 10:15.
I place the Mother's Day card on the hood of the van while I arrange the boys.

Reversing out the driveway, I ask the buckled-in boys if they’re “Ready for an adventure?”

Little did I know….


PART TWO will be posted tomorrow, Tuesday…


Kyra Lennon said...

Oh, I cannot wait to hear the rest of this! You know a story will be good when it's funny before it's really started!

Elise Fallson said...

I'm laughing while reading this because I just know, I KNOW the rest is going to be epic. :D You are so brave.

Miranda Hardy said...

Oh boy, Mark. This is already good stuff. Can't wait to read the rest.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Going to Victoria's Secret without your wife - brave man!

Darci Cole said...

Oh ear, Mark. I can already see so many things going wrong with this. Can't wait to hear the rest!

Michael Offutt, Phantom Reader said...

I can't wait to hear the rest of your story, Mark. But just so you know, I'm revoking any complaining privileges that you think you have because you live on the island paradise of Hawaii. In other words, as long as you live on paradise island, you have no right to complain about anything because life is perfect.

Cassie Mae said...

Oh gosh, you certainly know how to leave someone hanging.

Johanna Garth said...

This is sheer awesomeness. I can't wait to read the rest!

Maurice Mitchell said...

Brave man indeed. Can't wait for part 2.
- Maurice Mitchell
The Geek Twins | Film Sketchr
@thegeektwins | @mauricem1972

Melissa said...

Ack! No fair! I wanna know how it ends. :D Too funny.

Nicole said...

Waiting for the rest...

Anne Gallagher said...

Oh yes, can't wait to hear the rest of this one.

Meradeth Houston said...

Ooo, this is going to be good! Looking forward to the rest!

Holly Kammier said...

Ahh, cliff hanger! Well, I like it so far. Good of you to ask your wife what type of panties. The cut and style is important to a girl.

Bonnee Crawford said...

I love hearing about boys who go to lingerie stores on their fair lady's behalf. Keen for an update with more of the story :3

Jerry said...

Youre a cruel man Koopmans. Lol.. You could have called me to watch the kids like I did at the hospital..we know how well that went. (text little h for a "little" bit of help, text big H for a LOT of help. We know how long that lasted. Lol...H H H H H ..lol. I dont know how you do it man! Cant wait to hear part two!

Jerry said...

By the way...I'm looking at the picture...which one did you "get for yourself"?

Jerry said...

Im not sure I would have picked the pair with LOL on them. It just doesnt show that Irish confidence we've come to know and love about you! Lol..(<<< not on my shorts)

Morgan said...

Gaaaaaaah.... I'm DYING.... good thing I have part two a click away! *runs*


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