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Thursday, May 17, 2012

Me, Mother's Day & Victoria's Secret: The Finale

The Season Finale :)
Part One is here.
Part Two is here.
Part Three is here.

The streets of Honolulu were hot and humid as I walked along the upscale
of course it was
district leading to Victoria’s Secret.

Stores like PRADA and COACH were here and I passed Armani Exchange and its sandwich board advertising a special: Men’s Shorts: two for $88.
Holding No. 2 son, while pushing baby, I kept a low profile so Hawaii 5-0 wouldn’t arrest me for neglecting my shoeless son…
Bad parent! Bad parent!

And then, there she was.
Victoria, and all her secrets.

I’ve never been so happy to see a half-naked, sexy woman in a window – even after living in Amsterdam for three years.

I walked into the blessed relief of air conditioned bras.
And panties.

I looked around.

More bras.
More panties.
Good grief, where do I begin?

A lady in black caught my terror-struck eyes and immediately asked if I needed any help?
“Look, Papa, it’s a construction hat…”
“Oh, yes, please can you help... Son, get your bloody head out of that bra…”

Curtailing the able-bodied boys, I fished out my wife’s wish list.
“Do you have these… please?” I blubbered.
“Ah yes, sure, follow me upstairs.”
“There’s a second floor… There’s more bras and panties?”

(I own eight pairs of boxers – the extra one is for emergencies… I’m not getting any younger, you see.)

“Yes, sir. And, the elevator is right over here…”

A what?
No! Please not that…

“I can carry the stroller up the stairs, if you like?” I asked hopefully.
She shook her head, and we gathered outside the steel door.

It opened. The boys ran in and No. 2 Son looked for “Light! Light ON.”
I stood guard over the few buttons and smiled at my guardian angel (who must have left those big wing things at home.)
Exiting, she brought me to one corner, where hundreds and hundreds of panties lay on display.

Rows and rows... it was like a rainbow of panties...

Finally, I caught a break. The boys found a huge loveseat (of course) and were busy beating each other to a bloody pulp.
My sweet, well-behaved (semi-shoeless) boys.

And, then she bent to pull on a drawer.

My eyes bugged, I mean literally, they nearly popped out.

I looked down, across… and then behind me.

There were dozens of drawers, all full of drawers.

I stared at this one drawer though – my holy grail of panties.

Imagining a white light (and some Gregorian chanting) emanating from the back of the drawer, I looked up at my Angel.

“Is this it? Is this what I came for?”

Thanking her so very much for her wonderful help, I mustered the troops.

“Guys, come here, quick!”

No. 1 Son picked (from the ground) this mango for Mama
The boys scooted over and No. 1 Son picked his five favorite colors.
As I made our way to the cashier, a “buy something for yourself, too…” memory hit me, but my internal battery was down to one flashing red bar.

I had a headache.

We paid – and after an uneventful walk of shame…
“Look Mama, that boy over there with the bald man, he has no shoes.”
“Shh, dahling, don’t talk about poor people like that – and besides, look at these two cheap pairs of shorts I bought your father.”
…we made it back to the van, drove home... and that’s the end.

NO WAY, dude that sucks… what really happened?

OK, OK…so there is a little more….
Suh-weet! Encore, encore!
Ahh, thanks, I’ve never had a writer’s encore before…

Fast Forward to Mother’s Day. My wife is enjoying breakfast in bed as I share the adventure of the previous Friday…

No. 1 Son decides it’s good to share.
“I had no shoes, Mama, I walked with no shoes!”
Thank. You. Son.

“You’re Welcome, Papa!”
Anyway, it is with immense pride that I watched my beloved remove her five new undies – the spoils of my now infamous panty raid.

She giggled.

Three of the five panties were the wrong style.
Two of the five were the wrong size.
Gentlemen, the moral of the story is…
Don’t let this happen to you.
Order online.
It’s safer.

And, always have flowers in your back up plan :)


Kyra Lennon said...

"Son, get your bloody head out of that bra…”" - from that point on, I was giggling the whole way through! All that effort for the wrong style and wrong size - ordering online is definitely the way to go! :D

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Big fan of the online shopping! But if you hadn't ventured to the store we wouldn't have enjoyed your tale of mishap.

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Ah Mark, you brave man! Now I know why my husband gets me VS gift cards! And I'm good with that because one of those "angel" tramps once volunteered to demo a thong for my shopping husband and three year old tattle telling child!

Morgan said...

Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!! You do realize I haven't been sleeping because I've been dying to know the rest of this story, right???? ;)

I'm with Alex----don't online shop. We need stories! And too bad your internal battery was down to one flashing bar! *winks*

"Shh, dahling, don't talk about poor people like that--and besides, look at these two cheap pairs of shorts I bought your father." <-----DYING!!!

Verrrry satisfying ending. *stands up to give you another writing ovation*

Elise Fallson said...

LOL! " ...my holy grail of panties." I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for sharing. (:

baygirl32 said...

Son, get your bloody head out of that bra - I think coffee shot out of my nose when I read that! awesome

Anne Gallagher said...

Ah yes, the not my size, style, color problem. I'm thinking next year, a gift card, with a note that you can write -- "And don't forget to buy something for ME."

Great story.

cleemckenzie said...

I'm trying to think of a medal I could craft for you. You deserve a very grand one!

Thanks for the great post and the laugh that started my day off perfectly.

M Pax said...

All of you boys in Victoria's secret, that'd be something.

Nicole said...

Absolutely priceless! :)

Nancy Thompson said...

Awesome story, Mark! My husband only shops online. Makes it harder to return though. I've taken to sending him exact links to what I want so there are no mistakes. Kind of takes the fun out of it though.

Maurice Mitchell said...

"Order online" are words to live by. LOL
-Maurice Mitchell
The Geek Twins | Film Sketchr
@thegeektwins | @mauricem1972

Meradeth Houston said...

This is just classic! Glad you wrote it down because your boys (or at least their future girlfriends/wives) will die laughing!

Susan Bodendo/Super Earthling said...

What an absolutely delightful story! No, you simply must not succumb to the lure of online shopping because you'd be depriving us of sweet, wonderful tales like this! :)


Kirsten said...

So sweet! Sometimes, it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
And I'm looking forward to a sequel--as the panties are exchanged for the proper style and color! :)

JennaQuentin said...

Great finale! I love you lively real life inspiration - I've put links to all four parts of this story on tomorrow's post ;) Thanks for sharing!

loverofwords said...

Too funny. When I was in France, I decided to go to their big department store called, Printemps and buy some frilly little item for myself. But there were no women customers, just men holding up garter belts, panties,etc. You and your boys would have felt comfortable with all the men. I didn't.

M.J. Fifield said...

We don't have to worry about Mother's Day (I am told dogs do not count) in my house but on events like Valentine's Day, I do the shopping for me and then give my significant other the bill. It works out well for both of us. Well, maybe more me than him...

Faith Hope and Cherrytea said...

LOL funny ! and i am totally enjoying the entire escapade...
long live family memories :)

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