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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

You Know You're A Parent When... (#8)


In case you're new... I write an often-monthly post called “You Know You’re A Parent When…”
(You can find the most recent posts here and here.)

YKYA #8 is dedicated to all you writing Moms and Dads :)

You Know You’re A Parent When…

·         No. 1 Son wanders over from his bedroom, “forcing” you and The Missus to switch from the exciting new Blue Bloods, to a much-watched Blue’s Clues.

(During that same night, same Son expresses his desire to finish watching the last “Grey’s Anthony.”)
...Which is when you remember there were many valid reason why you didn’t want a television in the bedroom :)

·         Washing hands in the downstairs bathroom… you rinse, wash and rinse… all the while looking down (and moving) a very soapy, soggy parrot.

Leaving the bathroom, you stop suddenly in the hallway to ask the simple, but obvious question: How did a stuffed Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville parrot end in the sink?

You mull the question while starting a load of laundry; wiping two noses; changing a level IV stinkometer diaper and figure what’s for dinner. (Curry is removed from menu.) However, the answer eludes you – as do the two sons in the back yard.


·         Later that week, as Mama and No. 3 Son (infant) leave for evening Bible study, you promise to hold the fort, and send them off with a wink, and a jolly old I’ll-be-fine wave.

Peace and Quiet.

On both levels of the home.


Why Does He Need fingers To Keep The Truck In One Spot?

You start in on the book, your work-in-progress, (the WIP.)

An hour later, No. 1 Son wanders over (again :) Quick negotiations result in a glass of water (already waiting in the fridge) and a cleared spot on the couch – with the Cars comforter.

All is well.

You return to WIP.

·         Out of nowhere, No. 2 Son closes your sphincter with a huge scream… Rushing upstairs – with a highly dangerous universal remote control in hand – you prepare to assault the ninja intruders…

Entering with the stealth of a blind rhino, No. 2 Son’s room is quiet and he’s re-asleep in his crib – with nary a swish or a sway in the blinds denoting the departure of said ninjas.

As soon as your blood pressure drops below “pounding,” you holster the remote on the coffee table and...

You return to WIP.

·         Fifteen minutes later, a quick review of the troops confirms No. 2 is asleep and No. 1 hasn’t yet fallen off the couch. (Suh-weet!)

All. Is. Well.

Heading to the kitchen for a long-awaited snack, your clod-hopping foot unfortunately punts (“kick” is too small a word) the LARGE fire truck-transformer thing that sat *quietly* on the floor.

All. Night. Long.

In the millisecond before the thing lights up and springs to life with abundant and vibrating glee, you remember stepping over the darn truck – twice – while saying “Ohhh, I should move that (less than five feet over) to the side.”

(Italicized words added to emphasis current level of moronic status.)

The four wheelmen of the toy-pocalypse announce themselves with klaxons blaring: WHOO! WHOO!
Then shouts of: “GET THE ENGINE STARTED!!!”

Another klaxon (in case kids were still sleeping…WHOO WHOO!!)

"I'll Be Back..."

And more dialogue for neighbors who missed the first round… “DRIVER, LET’S GET GOING!!”

Transfixed in the middle of the floor, with evil, evil punting leg still stuck in the air, you cringe and wait for the non-toy screaming to begin.

Kiddos stir, but after two sets of up-and-down-the-stairs to make sure – the truth sets you free: They sleep. Still.

Following an impromptu white-man-can’t-dance to a hummed, instrumental version of “Joy To The World,” the adrenalin dissipates, and the fire-truck thingy is moved to the yard – the far yard.

Of course, the On/Off button is nowhere to be found. Instead, you run CAUTION – DO NOT CROSS tape around, above and under the Red Monster.

You slide the lanai doors closed, wash your hands (removing parrot) and then dry your hands (dropping parrot back in sink.)

You return to WIP.

     ·         …Just as The Missus opens the door and walks into the room.

“Hi, Sweetie, we had a wonderful night. How was your evening watching the two boys?”

Throwing a throw over much of No. 1 Son, you cover the rest of the little lad and nonchalantly say:

       “Oh, you know. Fine. Everything was quiet over here.”

"You'll Never Take Me Alive, Coppers!!"


Cortney Pearson said...

LOL sounds a little bit like my life. The parrot one made me crack up!!

Elizabeth Seckman said...

I remember so well putting the tiny clothes in the nursery drawers while I waited for baby #1...and thinking, when will it feel real? When will I feel like a mommy?
That first time I about killed myself in the shower tripping over a Power Ranger...I felt like a seasoned pro!

Huntress said...

Oh, My! I have actual tears running down my cheeks. FOTFLMAO doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.

Huntress said...

For making me laugh like a hysterical maniac, go to my site for the Blog On Fire award. Made by Yours Truly.

No strings. Just pick it up and post if you like it.


Stina said...

Oh, this is nothing. Just wait till one day while you're eating dinner, and your oldest asks you and your wife if you have sexual intercourse, and your four year old asks, "What is sexual intercourse?"

Now that's parenting. ;)

(and yes, my face was bright red)

Elise Fallson said...

Booby traps. Got them all over my house. And some detonate all by themselves. It's dangerous being a parent... (;

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Brilliant post. Very similar to our circus life...

Tracy MacDonald said...

Mark, you're so good. I usually throw the toys!
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between

M.J. Fifield said...

Awesome post.

My only parenting experience comes from when my nieces are staying with us. We suddenly start watching a lot of My Little Pony when that happens.

P.S.. you comment here often... I don't know how long it's said that but, thumbs way, way up.

Mary Aalgaard said...

Very funny. Been there. We don't have the monster, noisey toys around as much, now. But, somehow, in the middle of things, or when I'm really tired, one of the boys gets the urge to talk. Can't get more than a grunt out of them other times.

Play off the Page

Hope Roberson said...

Maintaining a quiet house is impossible! Especially once you've managed to calm children and tuck them in bed :) I hope you got some good writing done and thanks for the giggle :)

Cassie Mae said...

I'm the one who tries to take naps and the boys will set up all their noisy toys around the couch and then press all the buttons in an attempt to wake me up to tell me, "Hi Momma!"

Johanna Garth said...

Absolutely spot on! I remember all those noisy toys days and inadvertently setting them off when the kiddos were sleeping.

Jaycee DeLorenzo said...

This is my life! LOL.

Morgan said...

Did you steal this post from me??? *laughs* This. Is. So. My. Day. EVERY. Day.

Mark, I love it. You have such a talent of bringing the humor to the screen in a way I never could. That parrot experience? I sooooo have done that.

My fav: "Italicized words added to emphasis current level of moronic status" Ha!

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

So true and so funny! You had me at sphincter closing scream - what a great description! I hope your WIP includes lots of humor because you're really good at it. Keep up the good work, dad. As a mom of 4 (now older - 16 to 8)I can promise you it gets better :)

~Sia McKye~ said...

Lol! Oh, I remember those days. Mine are beyond 13 now.

No way, no how, will I have a TV in my bedroom. They drive me crazy, to begin with, but in my room I'd feel assaulted.

Fortunately, hubs and I came to an agreement, early in our marriage, not to have one. We also came to an agreement about the same time, not to have stand-up comedian skits in the early morning in our bedroom with him being the comedian and me the audience. He discovered how accurate my throwing arm is and has a healthy respect for said arm. lol!

So, you got what? A page done in your wip?


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

And people wonder why I don't have kids...

Nancy Thompson said...

I remember those days, and, frankly, I don't miss 'em. But maybe I will in 4 months when my son is off to college in Arizona.

Lara Schiffbauer said...

That sounds totally like my life. I haven't seen "adult" tv in four years. I totally don't understand how my husband and I can be two feet apart, him working on school work, me my WIP, and the kids always come to me. And then I feel guilty when I get frustrated...

Was happy you visited LLC today! I've missed you! Hope you're getting lots of work done :)

Anonymous said...

Story of my life when my kiddo was a baby. Hilarious post!

Leigh Covington said...


Or... finally getting busters 1, 2 & 3 to sleep only to read hilarious blog post by Oirish, Hawaiian, making you bust a gut laughing only to wake them up again! LOL.

Okay, they didn't wake up, but only by some sort of miracle!

I hope the sphincter is no longer closed up, due to the scream. Holy piss, that was hilarious!

Cynthia said...

Some stuff I could relate to here...wiping the runny noses, waiting really long for that snack, and finding toys in the most random of places. I wonder why hundred dollar bills don't show up randomly the way the toys do. =)

Anonymous said...

Too funny, Mark! Oh, to be a fly on your wall! :)

Daisy Carter said...

Ha Ha Ha! We have a motion-sensor-activated-thing-Tigger that waits until the house is completely still and I'm writing away. Then it plays the last line of 12 days of Christmas followed by the LOUDEST, "Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Tiggers love Christmas. That's T, I, double G, Er, and a Christmas, too!"

Seriously, the thing is possessed.

Laura S. said...

Hello, Mark! My husband and I are waiting a looooong time yet before we even consider children. Posts like this positively confirm our decision, LoL!! Being an aunt and godmother is enough for now. :) :)

Have a great week and happy A to Z!!

David P. King said...

Oh, man. This almost makes me want to tell stories about my household. Hilarity ensues, I can promise that much. Thanks for sharing your domain! :)

M Pax said...

Those transformers are a menace. I remember breaking one of my nephew's. I think we ended up blaming it on the dog. Poor dog.

Anonymous said...

I miss those days, my children are grown, youngest turns 19 tomorrow, enjoy these years for they grow up wayyyyy too fast.

Bonnee Crawford said...

The joy of kids :)

running4him said...

Great post!! I am not a parent, but I do have a little brother, it can be interesting some times!!! LOL

Empty Nest Insider said...

You certainly have your hands full! I remember chasing my boys around when they were little, but I only have two! It's great that you're writing down these memories to share with them when they're older! Julie

Maurice Mitchell said...

Too true, although I've learned to love Blues Clues.
- Maurice Mitchell
The Geek Twins | Film Sketchr
@thegeektwins | @mauricem1972

Scarlett said...

Dude saunters up to Red Noisy Fire Truck: You have a death wish?

Red Noisy Fire Truck: I know where you live.

Dude: Yeah? Well... I know where you keep your batteries.

Red Noisy Fire Truck: You WOULDN'T!

Dude: With Pleasure!

Red Noisy Fire Truck: But, Dude... I give those little ankle biters much joy.

Dude: And I give them food. What's your point?

Red Noisy Fire Truck: Standard contract then? You hear my *Toot Toot*, I quietly disappear?

Dude: That'll do.

Red Noisy Fire Truck: *Sits quietly in corner, back turned and sullen, plotting Dude's demise*

Soggy Parrot: *Feeling Wrung Out* Dude thinks he's owns the place or something, he squawks into the bathroom mirror, while using Dude's toothbrush in an unfriendly manner. I mean, when's the last time HE was drowned in the tub, the sink... *shiver*... the toilet repeatedly?

*And then... it strikes! Brilliance, as he's mixing the Preparation H and the toothpaste*

Soggy Parrot: He wants to write? I'll give him something to write about! He won't see it comin'. They never do. Ha Ha Ha... Ha Ha Ha Ha... Bwa Ha Ha Ha... Ha.

~to be continued~

Jessica L. Celaya said...

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

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