All I know is that if someone I trusted was to roll on up to me right now and offer one of those perfect, open-arms, no judgment-eyes hugs, I would probably break down and cry my heart out like I've not done in more than a few years.
One thing I supremely detest about social media is that we only post the best news and the most filtered pictures because we're all trying to beat the most recent happiest of happiest of moments on our inner (or Internet) timeline.
God knows (as do my 3.8 followers) that I do it, too, but this little blog of mine that can - especially on Facebook (insert iconic, ironic sound here) - still remains after nearly 8 years a place that my 3 boys can visit later if they want to learn more about me.
So, this is another punch-you-on-the-shoulder love letter to you guys about always being honest. And hey, shit, it's not as if I do it all the time - (see above :) but this is one definitely one of those times, ok?
The other day, I officially announced that my six-month job working at a commission-only, Spanish real estate agency hadn't worked as hoped and I'd landed in a deep, deep financial, friendship, family and relationship hole.
As I spoke aloud of all the shitty things that were happening all at the same time, of course (!!) I was in simple awe as I listened to myself verbalize how much I've fucked up my life.
However, a small piece of me knows I'm down on my knees for a reason that will make sense one day. (It's just no fun living the longest day that's cost so much.)
But I'll never quit on myself - or Spain.
I still have my faith, and the saddest thing is that I listened to Christian music as I wrote this and I belted out the words to so many songs (like You are Holy by Michael W. Smith) but haven't listened to for so long, because I thought I knew best.
Silly Koopmans.
PS: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol is another great song, but if you're ever lucky to listen to this one with your girl leaning or sleeping against your shoulder while on a road trip... life will never be the same again.
(An hour later, and I'm already more positive than I've felt in a long time. Music is powerful, as is a positive message, something I've been lacking in for quite a while.)
Yes, I accept and take full responsibility for the choices I've made and will live through them and turn the corner whenever that comes because this, too, shall pass. I've never been so humbled as I have been lately and perhaps I had it coming because things were running so smoothly and pride definitely goes before the falleth, but like I said, I'll never quit, nor give up.
Can't wait to see you 3 boys in nine days. You are, as always, but especially at this moment, the shining light in my tunnel.
I love you guys.
PS: These last 7 months are definitely getting their own chapter in the memoir/WIP :)
7 comments:
Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring are flowing your way.
If I had even fifty cents for each of my dodgy/poor/insane decisions no-one I know would ever need to work again.
Hi Mark - just glad the boys are coming over and you can enjoy your time with your sons. Life can be tricky to put it mildly - but all the best and things will turn around. Glad you're staying in Spain and getting on with things ... take care and all the best - cheers Hilary
Bless you Mark, Scars is a good christian song too, God will see you through! Talk to him
You needed a renewal of faith. God never left you and he will get you through.
Know you are excited to see your boys.
Hang in there, Mark. They say there's a calm that comes before a storm. I sometimes think we have to wait for the calm and the rainbows that come after the storm.
Keep listening to the music and let God speak to you. It will be all right.
I wish I could give you one of those hugs. I feel so bad that I've been so busy I've been out of the loop. There is something bigger waiting for you. All this sh*t is just the gritty part of the story.
Hugs. Virtual ones and plenty of them!!
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